You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
