My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
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