This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
I'm both gender and math confused
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
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