I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
I could have mohawked her pubes.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
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