Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
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