My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
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