Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
