Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
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