I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
