omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
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