I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
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