There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
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The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
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Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
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