Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
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