I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
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