Where are you?
In a non slutty way
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
Randomize
