After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
I don't want my vagina anymore.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
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