I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
Is it penis luge time yet?
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Randomize
