and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Randomize
