Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
