so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
My feet surprised me
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
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