Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Randomize
