the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
Randomize
