We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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