I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
