A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
Randomize
