yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Randomize
