Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Randomize
