I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
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