sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Randomize
