apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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