I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
last final went out with a bang.. 20 min late bra-less, cum in my hair and i still cant find my shoes.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
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