Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
Randomize
