so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
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