why am i having a flashback about somewhere we were this weekend with music videos playing? Spike jonze brothers place?? Help me out
I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
