Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Randomize
