its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
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