why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize
