I CAN MOONWALK!
I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize
