I don't know what you were told but i for sure didn't sleep with any one but steve's couch.
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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