Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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