cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
Randomize
