Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Randomize
