I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
