There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
Randomize
