i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
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