the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
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