based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Randomize
