i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
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