And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
Randomize
