Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
I'm not sure, 7-8, the last bit was a rush of at least three blended together. Basically you fucked me so stupid that I can't even recall the number of orgasms.
So you know, I'm making that my facebook status.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
