i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
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