i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
Randomize
