she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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