Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
Randomize
