The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
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